Hypocritical Hyperbole

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You Guys Have No Idea How Much I Loved Amazing Spider-Man July 7, 2012

You honestly don’t. It’s just so much. Some of you may not know this, but Peter Parker and I go way back. You could say we were boys. We kind of grew up together. He helped me learn how to read, learn how to joke, learn how to deal with bullies, and a bunch of other useful life tips. But Pete is weird and went through a phase in his life where he had to figure himself out. I had to leave him for a while. Then Petey figured out he was a young kid entering high school at the same time I was. We hooked up and were boys again ever since. Right up until he died. That was rough, but he was easily replaced once I met Miles (that’s an entirely different story, though).

So, they were going to reboot spider-man again. Only ten years after the first Spidey movie came out, we had to deal with his origin again. I gotta be honest, spidey’s origin was never my favorite part of his story. But whatever, it wasn’t like I wasn’t going to see this movie.

Let’s get this out of the way first. It’s only been ten years. This movie covers the same beats we had before. Pete is a nerd, gets bit by a spider, does the same thing I would’ve done (especially in this situation), Uncle Ben dies, Pete is sad. Has a mentor, mentor is working on super important Oscorp project, mentor has to prove it works or ELSE (seriously, this happens in EVERY SINGLE SPIDER-MAN MOVIE), spidey has to stop the mess that he is somewhat responsible for, cause power. Sorry about the spoilers! (But seriously, it’s spidey’s origin. What did you expect?)

Anyway, this movie won my heart because of how it handled all of these things. First and foremost this is my Peter Parker. I liked the Toby McGuire version well enough, but when you see this version you will get so much more of what I like about Spider-man. Dude is, straight up, an ass hole. Like, all the way ass. When he is Peter Parker, he is ALL THE WAY AKWARD. I may never watch this movie again because of the awkwardness. It’s soooo hard for me to deal with. Because it hurts. Sure it’s done up for movies, but it felt so much like high school awkward shit that it hurt me in my heart. Oh my. Then there’s Gwen Stacy.

I like Spidey’s universe when MJ is around. When they did that stupid shit in the comics where they tried to get rid of MJ I thought it was an awful idea. He doesn’t need to be dating her (and I think it works 4240% better when they’re not being romantic) but she needs to be around. That said, if we’re going to get this Gwen Stacy then keep MJ as far away as possible. Seriously. Just like in the Spectacular Spider-man cartoon Gwen is a BOSS. Science smart and common sense smart. Never a damsel in distress. And what a relief that is to have this movie without worrying about her every four seconds. It made it better to watch, and honestly, more believable. Her and Pete have fantastic moments between them. The chemistry is great, and the awkward scenes of awkward made me turn into a puddle of mess in the theater.

This movie also made me not hate Denis Leary. Sally Field did her best Sally Field impersonation (and I hope we get much more of her in a sequel). Martin Sheen was totally Martin sheen. Glad he’s out of the way.

Let’s cut to the chase though. Spider-man is like, the coolest super hero ever. He swings around New York (which, outside of Dubai, Shanghai, and Tokyo may be the best city to swing around). He is an absolute ass hole to the people he fights. He is totally the most heart broken dude around all the time. He gets all the hero stuff so so right. And then there’s a scene right in the middle of the movie (just skip to the next paragraph to avoid small spoilers). There’s a car that fell off a bridge with a kid inside that’s on fire. Spidey wants to get the kid out of the car, and in order to do so takes off his mask and gives it to the kid. I was so done. Cause it was so a spidey move. Kid is freaked all the way out and spidey makes him feel like he is spider-man just long enough to get the job done. Like. UGH! Then there’s the scene at the end of the movie when Spidey beats the crap out of like seven super cops. Loved it. Then there was the scene where things are going to pot, and the people help spidey and spidey goes all super spidey on them and I was dead in my seat.  Like, dead. I’m not sure they could’ve done a better job (a better job might have been able to be done, but not by these people with these set of expectations and what they needed to do with a so soon reboot) and getting to a lot of the stuff that makes spider-man so freaking great.

So really, I loved this movie more than I figured I would. I was able to get past how it was treading on stuff we’ve already seen not too long ago. But that’s also part of the charm. I’m ten years older than I was, and it took me right back to feeling how I felt at seeing spider-man on the screen for the first time. Now it’s even better because I’m able to articulate my feelings better. Not only that, but when Spider-man came out in 2002 I had some fifteen issues of Ultimate Spider-Man under my belt? Now I have about 180 maybe? Yeah, a lot. I’m in a different place in my life, so how I relate to Peter Parker is entirely different. What hasn’t changed is that when done right, there isn’t an established property that Marvel or DC has that can make me feel the way Spider-Man can. Just nothing. (okay, we all know that seeing a blood syndicate movie might could do that, but that shit aint gonna happen).

How I watch Movies side note: Two POC with speaking parts. One an evil henchman, one a cab driver. The evil henchman had lots of evil henchman screen time and was very very good. Poor Cab driver (didn’t die) but definitely wasn’t around long.


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