I wrote this in addendum to this which is just another in a long line of good posts from people about how stupid the friend zone thing really is.
I particularly enjoy the term “martyr” for these “nice guys.” It’s exactly what they want to be. They preform a routine that has no variation to it. They do this act and pay no heed to who they’re preforming it on. They’ll preform it to every woman they know. They skulk and seek out women they can try to identify as having low self-esteem. (This comes with nothing but a lot of other societal bullshit and stereotyping). They police those women’s relationships and talk about how bad they are at making decisions and that ALL of their problems would be solved if they just went with a good person instead of all those ass holes they date. Then, as a nice guy would, they work on destroying that woman’s self esteem further each time they choose to confide in them. (note how he only passively makes suggestions that HE should be the one she’s with instead of coming out two years ago and saying “Hi I’d like to date” or whatever. Being lead on, not by her, but by his stagnant routine).So when inevitably everything comes to a head and this woman eventually makes it super evident that she has no interest in him, he goes on to lament his position and how woeful it is to be SUCH a NICE GUY and how stupid she is for not wanting all that he has to offer (which she has seen over the course of the relationship and has responded accordingly). When she goes to someone else she’s now a stupid slut who doesn’t know what’s good for her while he is stuck in this awful friend zone. And now he can go back to policing her relationships and sexuality. Delusional, misogynistic, martyr. Forgetting (like so many modern christian martyrs. y’know the ones that threaten young queer kids with violence and claim to be persecuted when someone tells them to stop because they’re committing hate crimes?? those guys) that he is completely responsible for his behavior and that he should stay as far away as he can from policing other people’s lives.
P.S. There is no argument against this. Are there some women who lead men along? Absolutely, but this goes both ways, and society has no term for that. There’s no great hatred of men who choose to not have sex with certain women they’re only interested in being friends with. There’s no societal hatred of men who have sex with a lot of women. There’s not a stigma associated with men owning their own sexuality. So every time you invoke your martyr card you’re just playing into outrageously misogynistic tropes. Get over yourself.