Hypocritical Hyperbole

The Abomination of Obama's Nation

GRRM Sex July 11, 2011

Really, it’s about the lack thereof.

I’m a decent fan of George R. R. Martin. I’m not saying he’s the best fantasy writer of all time, but he’s pretty good. Borders a bit on white people in space sometimes featuring our exotic black friends, but maybe he’ll flesh our our Summer Islander buddies. That’s not at all what this post is about. This post is about that weird thing that happens when so much of a book is plotted out in meticulous detail, and so much of a book is written beautifully. I can only think of a few writers who use the language better than Martin does. The way he uses point of view is just wonderful. I love how basic descriptions of similar places change entirely based on which character he’s following. The books are written in the increasingly popular limited third person narrative. This is often used in books to little effect, but George finds excellent uses, mostly with language. The plot constructions around it are, great, but whatever. The way he’ll describe someone’s movements when following Arya, or describe people’s actions when using Tyrion are most of what I enjoy about reading A Song of Ice and Fire.

That all is said to bring me to this.

George R. R. Martin clearly has never had sex a day in his life.

Yeah. I said it. At least not with a woman. Possibly with one of those real dolls and a tape recording of a bad porno. Maybe a lame prostitute along the lines of Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge or something. Cause, man. This guy’s pre/during/post sex dialogue is THE WORST. Absolutely horrific. Who says that stuff during sex? Who? (People who know me probably know a hilarious story about that). But that aside. No one talks like that. It’s absurd. Let me find you some dialogue.

“More, oh more, yes, sweet, my knight, my knight, my sweet white knight, yes you, you, I want you.” “Deeper,” she whispered. “Yes, oh”

That’s only a sampling. Yes, I know. People say strange things during sex. Sometimes people say really strange things during sex. Not everyone does it in this manner though. Nearly every female having consensual sex in this series talks just like this. Everyone one o them wants someone in them so much they often scream “IN ME! IN ME!” Okay, maybe only one character brandishes the “IN ME” torch, but that sentiment is felt everywhere, and it totally takes you out of the experience. It cries false, especially in a time period without porn to set the national agenda on dumb things to say during sex. Also, sex is either absolutely fantastic (what happens in Martin’s head) or it ends before it begins (what happens in Martin’s real life).

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