Hypocritical Hyperbole

The Abomination of Obama's Nation

NFL Week 2: A list in list form September 23, 2009

1. Jets – I love trash talkers. I don’t think they’re the best team in the league, but I love it when NFL guys are obnoxious. No Fun League indeed. Keep me interested and entertained is all I ask.

Ravens – What’s to say? Stop calling him Ray Ray. That’s what I have to say. Seriously? Grown men, professional journalist, radio hosts that claim to have some sort of integrity and dignity calling another man Ray Ray? The same man they called murderer and liar years back? Sport writers/talkers have always been ridiculous, but this just crosses a line.

Giants – Theys has defense. I hate Brandon Jacobs for all the years I owned him in fantasy (especially last years stunt where he didn’t even dress though he was stated as probable or questionable.) but you can’t argue with fact. Actually, that’s the premise of what I do here. Jacobs is lame.

Falcons- Matty Ice isn’t as good as people say he is, but that doesn’t mean he’s awful. Be on the lookout though, that Michael Turner guy is going to fall apart, and Norwood won’t be around to back him up they way they want.

Saints – WHO NEEDS DEFENSE? Not the saints, that’s who. Have you heard this a billion times before? Yup. Do I ever have fresh and interesting perspectives for you? nope. Guys, Drew Brees is four feet tall, but he’s a leader of men. He just gets those guys going.

Colts – This is another team set up for a big fall, but somehow they keep winning. I don’t trust ’em. Peyton looses one offensive lineman and the whole season blows up.

Vikings – This is going to be the best team in the league for about nine weeks until they blow the $#(* up. Yes, all the way the #(*&% up. Don’t worry, Tavaris Jackson is there to save you.

49ers – I WANT WINNERS! I WANT PEOPLE THAT WANNA WIN! (why write when it’s been written for you.

Broncos – Bring back the neckbeard. (Can you tell I’m already tired of writing these?)

Steelers – I wish Mike Tomlin was my uncle or something. He’s not as cool as my dad, but he’s a pretty cool guy. The way he chews that gum! Dreamy. Big problem though. That o-line is terrible. If Tom Brady was back there this team would go 8-8. Thankfully #7Ben R. (spellcheck doesn’t have a suggestion) is back there instead of that Brady guy.

Bengals- If this team had a good QB they’d be unstoppable. I’m not joking. They’re going to be good. Really really good. For the first time EVER Marvin Lewis has a defense to work with. Hard for a defensive coach to win when all the money is on a terrible offense, the owner brings in knuckleheads, and truth be told you’re really not as good a coach as you thought you were four years ago.

Patriots – Tom Brady sucks. Okay, that’s factually incorrect. Tom Brady is not the best QB ever. Better. But even if he was; his knee went the wrong way. All the way the wrong way. You don’t just hop back from that. This team still has no defense, and lost it’s best player for a spell. And you really trust “fragile freddy.” Once again. We’re grown men and call this guy out like we’re in middle school.

Bears- Greatest QB in bears  history? uh no. Not even close. He’s really not that good. He had a great head coach, great receivers, the best o-line system ever, the second best o-line in the league behind the Patriots. I mean, sheesh.

Texans- I drafted Matt Schaub. I’m not talking about this team anymore.

Packers- I’m surprised you’re still reading this. Like I actually watched all these games, let alone broke them all down. I’m not doing film study on Packers-Bengals. Boooooring. I’ll say this. . . about that. I’m all over the Bengals. I picked them to hit the playoffs this year. So this loss, it happens. It’s week two.

Bills- What a terrible fan base of thugs and hoolagins. Burning nunbers in lawns. Stealing more jewelry from a house than my estate is worth. Being in a cold city. That’s the worst crime. I’ve spent plenty of time in buffalo (about a total of four days). SCREW THAT! GET OUT! GET OUT! You can move somewhere warmer!

Chargers – L.T. is gawn and that sproles guy isn’ t big enough. He’s awesome, bu t not as a feature back. Who’s his backup. The longer L.T. is out the sooner we’ll find out what his name is.

Cowboys- If Tony Romo was {insert you know exactly what here} we’d me massacring him today. Seriously. Talk about overrated guy who hasn’t reached potential. Inaccuracy (not as bad as my boy JR) chokes in the big moment, looks like a goofball. He does stupid stuff.

Eagles – No donvan, I’m not excited. Let’s not forget before {DOG KILLER} comes back that he was IN JAIL for two years. He’s not good. He’s fat and out of shape. He needs to work himself back in. Look for him and K Kolb to light the @#$ out of the Cheifs.  That team sucks.

Raiders – This team sucks. Jamarcus would be better if he had a better team arond him or if he had a decent coach, but daaaaaamn. 35%. Even I can’t defend that. Maybe it was higher or lower, I hate looking up stats. Still, not good.

Seahawks  – SENECA WALLACE! OH YEAH BOI! Like you didn’t see this coming? Especially when Timmy said “I need my brother to get hurt cause I’m playing against him in fantasy this week.” Seriously, bra. You just don’t ever say that.

Cardinals – Kurt Warner can only last so long, right? Right?

Redskins – Worst 1-1 team easily. My boy Jason Campbell needs a receiver in a serious way. What happened to Clinton Portis? OH THAT’S RIGHT! He’s on my fantasy team.

Panthers – Jake Delhomme is better, but that Run defense. Oh man. I want to support this team. I live here, I’m a fan. But Hera help up. My goodness.

Dolphins- You just don’t loose if you run the ball this well.

Buccaneers – This team is terrible, the only reasn they aren’t lower is because I’m too lazy to highlight and drag it down. They are baaaaad. I hope morris can keep his job long enough to try and turn it around. Good luck though.

Lions – MEGATRON

Chiefs – MEGA. . wait no. This team is awful. Where is your savior now? His leg hurts? yeah, you’ll have that. Yeah, he did great for me in fantasy last year, but we all knew it was fluky.

Titans – This is one of the best tackling teams in the NFL. THE BEST. Problem is they can’t get to players to tackle them. Receivers run straight past ’em. Hard to tackle a guy you can’t touch.

Jaguars – Team is unholy. Bad bad bad bad bad. BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD. Bad bad. 2-14? Yeah.

Browns – It’s the %@(*&% Mangenius. Is that how it’s spelled? Mangenius? How smart do you have to be to get crushed all year long? Pretty durn smart.

32. Rams – See what I said about the jags? Yeah, just duplicate it here. Stephen Jackson is great, but for how long? Like he isn’t going to get hurt?

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