Hypocritical Hyperbole

The Abomination of Obama's Nation

No Neckbeard No Touchdown August 30, 2009

It’s arguable that Kyle Orton is one of the most mediocre QBs in the history of the position. I’m even allowing, for this argument only, the inclusion of pre 1960s football and the guys that weren’t allowed to throw it forward. Yeah, Kyle’s mediocrity surpasses even those guys. But at least for a time he had style. Making at least a million or so dollars a year (no, I’m not going to look up player salaries from a year ago. I just don’t care) he could easily have afforded his own personal barber. Instead, he grew out a neckbeard. It was one of the most insane things you’ve ever seen. At first I decried the idea, but it became at thing. It separated him from the increasingly large list of quarterbacks  no one knows exists. And it isn’t like he was playing on a team with a grand history of star qbs. Do you know who played the position before during and after Orton? Well, we know who’s playing now, but I doubt you remember Rex Grossman, or the guy who was there before Kyle. I sure as heck don’t, and though I’m sure you’re smarter than me (not a compliment really) I’m putting hard earned money on you not knowing it either.

Fact is, that neck beard was a trademark. So much so that blogs sprouted up around it. There were entire blogs dedicated to this

BREAK: Gosh, I hate when Jay Cutler tries to be awesome and throws off no feet falling backwards. This isn’t effing basketball, dude. There are no fadeaways here. No pretty rainbows. Throw the ball to the receiver, or get it the heck out of there. Seriously, keep that junk on the practice field.

Also, what is that move defenders do when they make a big play and put their hands up palms outward away from their heads? Looks dumb.


Back To Action

I’ve forgotten why I was writing this. OH YEAH. Not only was the neck beard a calling card, there’s a long history of winning Quarterbacks that had them. . . .Really I can only think of Jake Plummer. Not quite the pedigree I was hoping for. Regardless. Did you really think that cleaning the scruff off of your neck would make you better? It’s not much warmer in Denver than it was in Chicago. I sincerely hope this doesn’t effect your play. It seems that it is though. Granted,  it’s only preseason, you’ve sucked. Yeah, this has become an open letter to my buddy K.O. to grow the thing back. What can it hurt? Are you really reeling in more honeys without it? I doubt it. Are you playing better without it? Heck to the naw. You get to the red zone and your whole world falls apart. And it’s clearly the result of the lack of hair on your neck. There is no other explanation.

Oh, and seriously. You don’t want to look anything like your stupid head coach. This guy is like what? two years older than you? Looks like a baby. Show him how much more of a man you are than him. He thinks he’s a genius, you put him in his place. You’re the star of the team now. Especially with crazy crazy Brandon Marshall being out of his gourd.

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One Response to “No Neckbeard No Touchdown”

  1. Django Says:

    Sunday would prove you wrong


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