Hypocritical Hyperbole

The Abomination of Obama's Nation

No Neckbeard No Touchdown August 30, 2009

It’s arguable that Kyle Orton is one of the most mediocre QBs in the history of the position. I’m even allowing, for this argument only, the inclusion of pre 1960s football and the guys that weren’t allowed to throw it forward. Yeah, Kyle’s mediocrity surpasses even those guys. But at least for a time he had style. Making at least a million or so dollars a year (no, I’m not going to look up player salaries from a year ago. I just don’t care) he could easily have afforded his own personal barber. Instead, he grew out a neckbeard. It was one of the most insane things you’ve ever seen. At first I decried the idea, but it became at thing. It separated him from the increasingly large list of quarterbacks¬† no one knows exists. And it isn’t like he was playing on a team with a grand history of star qbs. Do you know who played the position before during and after Orton? Well, we know who’s playing now, but I doubt you remember Rex Grossman, or the guy who was there before Kyle. I sure as heck don’t, and though I’m sure you’re smarter than me (not a compliment really) I’m putting hard earned money on you not knowing it either.

Fact is, that neck beard was a trademark. So much so that blogs sprouted up around it. There were entire blogs dedicated to this

BREAK: Gosh, I hate when Jay Cutler tries to be awesome and throws off no feet falling backwards. This isn’t effing basketball, dude. There are no fadeaways here. No pretty rainbows. Throw the ball to the receiver, or get it the heck out of there. Seriously, keep that junk on the practice field.

Also, what is that move defenders do when they make a big play and put their hands up palms outward away from their heads? Looks dumb.

Back To Action

I’ve forgotten why I was writing this. OH YEAH. Not only was the neck beard a calling card, there’s a long history of winning Quarterbacks that had them. . . .Really I can only think of Jake Plummer. Not quite the pedigree I was hoping for. Regardless. Did you really think that cleaning the scruff off of your neck would make you better? It’s not much warmer in Denver than it was in Chicago. I sincerely hope this doesn’t effect your play. It seems that it is though. Granted,¬† it’s only preseason, you’ve sucked. Yeah, this has become an open letter to my buddy K.O. to grow the thing back. What can it hurt? Are you really reeling in more honeys without it? I doubt it. Are you playing better without it? Heck to the naw. You get to the red zone and your whole world falls apart. And it’s clearly the result of the lack of hair on your neck. There is no other explanation.

Oh, and seriously. You don’t want to look anything like your stupid head coach. This guy is like what? two years older than you? Looks like a baby. Show him how much more of a man you are than him. He thinks he’s a genius, you put him in his place. You’re the star of the team now. Especially with crazy crazy Brandon Marshall being out of his gourd.


Geek Brunch 93 August 27, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — Micah Griffin @ 21:17
Tags: , , , , , ,

Where Mike and Eric suffer through harrowing tales of blood on my bicycle, bleach in my bathroom, and the worst possible explanation of why you should like Wednesday’s Comics Wonder Woman. No, this isn’t DC Noise episode 53. Mike talks Dark Reign, Eric talks LOST, and I make this thing go on for a three hour tour. Yup, Gilligan gets home before I finish running my mouth. Is this the most egotistical way to talk about this episode? Probably not, but it’s close. I do love me some me!


Baton Down the Hatches? August 22, 2009

Noooo, that’s not right. It’s batten. Point still stands! Post every day? Redouble my efforts in this weird online space to build readership and improve my writing style? Find things to actually talk about on a daily basis?

We all know it’s not going to happen. I hate blogging, for that matter I hate blogs and the internet at large. The whole thing sucks. Except when it comes to getting me free stuff, like the entire clone saga, all of the old Secret Origins, and some neat 90s crossovers. There should be a way for me to telepathically dictate this thing out so there’s content on a regular basis. Even if that was the case I don’t know what on earth people would find interesting.

Met me tell you ’bout my life. I spent five minutes with that cool tape you use for dryer vents trying to stick my RF cable to my window so I can have semi-decent reception for a Panther’s preseason game. Yup.¬† I had made plans to go to a bar and watch it, but people all suddenly had a severe case of immediate dirty hair syndrome that needed to be corrected in the very serious here and now. No biggie, gave me time to clean my house. The whole thing. Well, not the walls that’s a major project for later. Both my tubs, my floors, all three sinks, the two toilets, the porch, the trash can (yeah cleaned the trash can), the cabinets under the sinks, the dining room table, the lemonade table (I don’t drink coffee), and the tires on my bike. Why? My bike gets hella jealous if I don’t take care of it. I don’t think I can ever get a roommate with it around. If I put it out on the porch it’ll get rusty and try to kill me, I’m not putting it in my room, that’s for my books, the second bedroom is where it’s at now. Just chllin’ with an old monitor, an 11″ tv, and a bunch of old video games I don’t play because my xbox broke and I am too lazy to hook the ps2 up to anything.

How would you baton down a hatch? The US Team For Running Fast found a way to hack up a baton. Guy’s, it’s not that hard. I see seven year olds do it all the time. One guy is running, the other guy starts running, and the first guy gives the baton to the second guy. Done. End of story. You win the race, get the fly honeys and bask in Bolt’s shadow. Pretend it’s your penis you’re grabbing and if you bobble it or get it out of the zone you’ll lose it. How about that? Bet you guys wouldn’t drop it then would you?

See, this is a terrible posting, I could’ve taken all these ideas and expanded upon them, split them up, and had postings for three or four days. Good longs ones, but I just lack focus and dedication to the craft. I have some awkward first world malaise or something. Dang it, have to go fix my television signal.